Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize