i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
