You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
