you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Randomize