btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
