remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Randomize
