no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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