I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
this will be a night to untag.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Randomize
