hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
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