so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
