With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
