Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
