i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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