his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Randomize
