Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
