Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
oh god was she eating orange peels again
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
