I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Randomize
