he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
