Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Randomize
