I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
This is the high leading the old right now
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
