I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
