New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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