we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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