So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
