my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I currently don't understand fingers.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
