She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
