Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
