We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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