You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
