I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Randomize
