We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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