My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Randomize
