I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
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