He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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