Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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