she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
