please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
