Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Randomize
