Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
