The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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