remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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