i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
