I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
