This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
