Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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