You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
