The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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