I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
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