I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
you will always have a special place in my vag
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize