Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
