Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
