I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I bet he comes in French.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Randomize
