I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
