She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
