Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
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