So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
