I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize