I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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